It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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