I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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