alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
