I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
