Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
