Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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