Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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