Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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