I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Houston, we have a blender
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
