I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
