the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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