I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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