Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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