Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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