Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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