3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize