Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
