I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
no you cant smoke seaweed
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
