It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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