best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
