She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
