Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
