She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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