My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
