I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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