Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
