she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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