it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
