My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
false alarm. still invincible.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Randomize