I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
