Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
