It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
