i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
