Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
