So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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