Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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