The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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