I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
