she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
