Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I fill condoms, not promises.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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