A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
