1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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