bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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