That's intense
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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