I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
being pregnant is like rehab
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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