I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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