allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He uses pillows to masturbate.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
