Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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