that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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