3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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