Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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