I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I need to align my fucking chakras
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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