I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
