got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
