i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
