I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
