I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
