Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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